Canada
Contact's been established with Canada! And on the other end of the line is a famous voice. But has the end of the world driven the renowned Canadian out of her mind? Cast *Janine De Luca *Sam Yao *Margaret Atwood Plot Transatlantic Broadcast You're on a secret mission to the transmitting station to attempt the first transatlantic broadcast since the apocalypse. Just A Little Further It's up to you to triangulate the signal, which you manage pretty quickly. Janine banishes Sam from the comms booth. Margaret Atwood You receive a transmission from Canada reporting that some survivors are holed up in the CN Tower in Toronto. Turns out it's Margaret Atwood. Keep Moving! Janine tries and fails to maintain composure as she speaks to Margaret Atwood. Canadian Pop Janine fills Margaret in about zombie feeding patterns - she returns the favour by letting Janine know that Canadian zombies are repelled by Celine Dion. Mad Zombies, More Like Sam is impressed that Margaret Atwood was on the line, but Janine is still mortified at her inability to gain composure. Transcript running JANINE DE LUCA: muffled Runner Five? I need you to report to the main gate immediately. Runner Five drying off JANINE DE LUCA: Runner Five? You simply can’t go off without leaving a report sheet. According to the protocol we’ve developed - SAM YAO: Runner Five is on a rest break, Janine! I think. Uh, yeah, look here - Runner Five has been allowed a fifteen minute shower this afternoon, and some time in the rec room for excellent performance. JANINE DE LUCA: That should be in the report sheet, you know. We’ve developed these protocols for a reason. SAM YAO: We don’t need a report sheet protocol. I’ve got it all in my head! Mind like a steel trap. JANINE DE LUCA: Where’s Runner Eighteen? SAM YAO: Runner Eighteen? Still recovering in the hospital from flu. JANINE DE LUCA: Two hours of duty in the armory, in fact. Runner Twelve? SAM YAO: Oh, now, now I definitely know this one. Runner Twelve is, uh… sorting supplies in the food store. JANINE DE LUCA: Training in the recreation area. SAM YAO: Training in the recreation area… yep, yep. He’s always doing that, Khwargo. The thing is, Janine, I don’t need to know that stuff. I know when the runners are out, and I know when they’re back home safely. That’s my job? What’s this about, anyway? Why do you need Runner Five? JANINE DE LUCA: Bit of a secret mission, actually. I’ve got the okay to… well. You know the transmitting station at Exit Point, that place on the hill? SAM YAO: Yeah. Bit of a zombie hotspot, though. And no strategic importance, the Major said. Not like we’re going to be setting up a TV station any time soon, are we? JANINE DE LUCA: No, but I need Runner Five to take that backpack of equipment by the gate. That’s right, Runner Five, that’s the one. We need you to head out to the transmitting station, Runner Five. Today, we’re going to attempt the first transatlantic broadcast since the apocalypse! JANINE DE LUCA: Okay, Five, you’re in the right location. Long-range cams say you’re zom-free. Now I just need you to run around a bit. SAM YAO: laughs Run around a bit? JANINE DE LUCA: That’s what I said. Maybe do a few loops through those trees. SAM YAO: “Run around a bit” is the kind of thing I say. It’s not very “have you filled in the report sheet, you know the protocols Mister Yao”, is it? JANINE DE LUCA: Perhaps not, but it is accurate. I need Runner Five to quarter the transmission zone until we find the sweet spot. Picking up a signal over that distance is as much art as science. SAM YAO: “Run around a bit”? sighs I dunno, I never say anything so - JANINE DE LUCA: Out! SAM YAO: What? JANINE DE LUCA: Clear the room, Sam! I need to concentrate on this extremely important transmission, not your blabber! SAM YAO: Blabber?! I don’t - JANINE DE LUCA: Out! SAM YAO: Fine! Yes, alright, I’m going. JANINE DE LUCA: Thank goodness for that! And there’s the signal. You’re in range, Five, just go a little further. I’ll tell you when to plant the transmitter and hook it up. static JANINE DE LUCA: Hook-up’s in place, relay’s working. We should start to hear something now… intensifies If there’s anything there to hear. music, the opening line of Pride and Prejudice: “ - acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune - ”, static MARGARET ATWOOD: This is Canada calling. JANINE DE LUCA: Canada? We’re receiving you clearly. Can you continue to speak while we callibrate? MARGARET ATWOOD: Certainly. We’re holed up here on the fifth floor of the CN tower in Toronto. Barely clear visibility. We’ve been here for some time. The tower is easily defensible against zombie attacks. They can’t manage the stairs. JANINE DE LUCA: That’s good, yes. We’ve got your signal locked in, now. First transatlantic communication for months for us. Glad to be receiving you! MARGARET ATWOOD: We had some of the early reports regarding the death of the entire royal family, but since then, we’ve been mostly cut off. We’ve managed to hook up to the antennae on the roof here. Our broadcast now covers the entire Greater Metro Area, including city hall! And as usual, we’re getting a lot of interference from US radio stations, mainly of an evangelical nature. They’re a little puzzled about the lack of rapture. JANINE DE LUCA: The entire metro area? That’s very - ! That’s really quite a distance. MARGARET ATWOOD: As the Arrogant Worms say in their hit song, “Canada’s Really Big”. JANINE DE LUCA: Mm, yes. And you are the radio operator? Do you have a radio background? MARGARET ATWOOD: Mostly a novel and poetry background, but I’ve been requisitioned by the Federal Government Zombie Royal Commission Parliamentary Task Force, all of whom have unfortunately been infected by our Prime Minister and are moaning and foaming at the mouth. And Parliament’s not even in session. JANINE DE LUCA: And you are? MARGARET ATWOOD: Margaret Atwood. JANINE DE LUCA: Miss… Atwood. Yes, we - that is, I - we’ve had some celebrity zombies around this way ourselves, in fact! We had a sighting recently of the zombified members of the whole of One Direction! Ironically, they were all shambling in different directions! MARGARET ATWOOD: I, however, am not a zombie. Yet. JANINE DE LUCA: No! laughs Well, evidently not. Sorry. throat Excuse me. Yes. So. Um, how are things, over there in Canada? MARGARET ATWOOD: The National Hockey League Stanley Cup Playoffs are not taking place. JANINE DE LUCA: Right. MARGARET ATWOOD: Also, it is not snowing. Or not here, anyway. But as the Arrogant Worms’ hit song has it, “Canada’s Really Big”. So it’s snowing elsewhere. Reports from the Artic indicate that things are good up there. They set fire to every plane attempting to land. They say they should have done this years ago! … It’s a joke. JANINE DE LUCA: laughs Yes. And I suppose you never saw this coming, despite your many novels on potential future environmental apocalypses. MARGARET ATWOOD: Novelists aren’t soothsayers. JANINE DE LUCA: I mean, Mad Adam? Should have been Mad Zombie, right? MARGARET ATWOOD: That wouldn’t have worked with the themes of the book and there would have been an issue with the cover… JANINE DE LUCA: Or, for example, instead of the Blind Assassin - the Blind Zombie! MARGARET ATWOOD: Mmm, I think you may have missed the deeper symbolic metaphysical metanomic postmodern structuralist transgenderal genre-agnostic formalist''' '''intent of my off by static JANINE DE LUCA: No! I’m a huge fan, I really love all your work! Runner Five, keep moving! Try to reestablish the signal! JANINE DE LUCA: It’s a stupid idea, of course it is, couldn’t possibly turn The Handmaid’s Tale into the Zombie’s Tale, it’d lose all its feminist message unless the zombie was a woman. MARGARET ATWOOD: Uh, I believe we were supposed to be exchanging information? Do you have any information to exchange? Anything at all that, uh, comes to mind? Anything that’s really happened? JANINE DE LUCA: Oh, uh… yes! rustle I have my notes here somewhere. Honestly, I’m worse than Mister Yao. I never understood before how he could be like this. MARGARET ATWOOD: We were told you had notes on zombie movement patterns. Do you have anything like that? JANINE DE LUCA: I have… oh, yes! We’ve noted that zombies move in straight lines towards their prey, and can’t differentiate between several different prey sources. So, if you move at the same speed away from them in opposite directions - MARGARET ATWOOD: They’ll move straight ahead, yes! And we have some useful intel you may be able to deploy over there. We’ve discovered that the zombies respond very strongly to some Canadian pop music. They like Justin Bieber, but they can’t stand Celine Dion! JANINE DE LUCA: That’s very useful, yes! We’ve suspected that there was an audio trigger - MARGARET ATWOOD: In order to keep the zombies away from the CN tower, we have to continually play “My Heart Will Go On” from speakers mounted outside. I think it’s sent me a bit crackers. But, as the Arrogant Worms say in their hit song, “Canada’s Really Big”. JANINE DE LUCA: Um… yes! static MARGARET ATWOOD: We now have a weather front coming in from the northeast, and some zombies coming in from the Center. They’re carrying shopping bags. Maybe they aren’t zombies. They might be survivors of an Everything Must Go sale. No, no, zombies. That isn’t lipstick. JANINE DE LUCA: Wait! I wanted to ask you if you’re working on another novel? MARGARET ATWOOD: A novel, now? You must be mad. Have you been listening to “My Heart Will Go On”? For the antidote, try: “Canada’s Really Big” off by static JANINE DE LUCA: Oh. Runner Five? I suppose you should come on home now. SAM YAO: Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine. How was your top secret mission? JANINE DE LUCA: You were listening, weren’t you? SAM YAO: I… uh, should I have been listening? JANINE DE LUCA: We got through to Canada. The radio operator was Margaret Atwood. SAM YAO: Hey! Well, that’s amazing! I loved Oryx and Crake! JANINE DE LUCA: Me, too. SAM YAO: Well, did you have a good conversation? JANINE DE LUCA: Not really. I made a joke about Mad Adam. SAM YAO: Well, that’s okay. You showed her you’d read some of her novels, right? JANINE DE LUCA: It was a really bad joke. SAM YAO: Aw, it can’t have been that bad. JANINE DE LUCA: It was! It was worse than “that bad”. SAM YAO: I knew someone before the apocalypse who met Snoop Dog on Chat Roulette. True story! All she could find to say was “uh, hi”. JANINE DE LUCA: That’s okay! SAM YAO: Over and over and over again, until he disconnected. JANINE DE LUCA: That’s… that’s made me feel slightly better. SAM YAO: I mean, at least you didn’t say “Mad Adam? Mad Zombies, more like.” JANINE DE LUCA: You were listening. SAM YAO: What? No, I wasn’t. JANINE DE LUCA: I think I’m going to walk out into a zombie horde now. Or maybe sometime.Category:Side Mission Category:Season Two